My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
