My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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