you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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