I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
