i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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