Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
