i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
