does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
