Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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