While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
