I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
