dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
