The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
