i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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