The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
