She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
