god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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