Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize