I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
