my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
