Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
