so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
