How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
