That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
