I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
