I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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