is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
