I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
