she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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