i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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