What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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