my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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