i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
