The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
