My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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