dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
