4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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