Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
