Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
