I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
