The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize