Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
