Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
