someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
