Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
