her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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