Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
