Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
