Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
