Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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