$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
